Candy Bar

I was stuck on a life raft with political extremes; they all had advice for what to do with my candy bar.

Communist: We will split the candy bar into equal pieces. As the administrator I will eat all the pieces of the candy bar itself, for the good of the raft. The rest of you will eat the wrapper.

Republican: Since you bought the candy bar, you get to eat it. I would happily starve to death rather than live in a world where we have to endure some kind of pinko candy sharing scheme.

Democrat: In order to make everything fair, everyone gets one candy bar. Seeing as our resources are limited, I will collect the bar from you as the most candy bar wealthy individual on the raft and use it, along with our other equipment, to make a machine that makes “candy” bars out of seaweed. Sure, the machine might not work, the seaweed bars will take forever to make, use all of our resources, and taste like old fish, but at least we will all be equal.

PETA: Put the candy bar into the ocean so that the fish can eat it. Then throw yourself in too. I will stay on the raft so I can steer it to shore so that it doesn’t pollute the environment.

Anarchist: Put the candy bar in the middle of the raft and give everyone a paddle, let’s see what happens.

Kim Jong Il: I will eat the half the candy and burn the rest. You and the rest of the passengers will slowly eat the raft itself while singing my praises. I will also use a paddle to occasionally spank a passing shark for my amusement.

Mobster: Nyah see? Give me that candy you mook. (Steals and eats candy bar)

Televangelist: Give unto me three fourths of the candy bar as an offering to god, that I might eat it, in his name.

Sharia: None of the woman on board will receive any candy. Anyone who tries to steal the candy will lose both their hands.

Big Business: Let me hang onto the candy bar. In seven years I will give you two candy bars. Every quarter I will pay you a dividend of one M&M which you can either eat or reinvest. (Eats candy bar, declares bankruptcy)