Satire Sunday

Senator Burns Cannot Be President

 “Well why not Mary?  He’s personable, experienced, politically savvy, and a dyed in the wool party member.  He’s served the United States Government and the good people of Arizona for over fifteen years.  He’s a social conservative, an economic anarchist, Chairman of the Special Committee on Homeland Intelligence, and lead Czar of the War on the Impoverished.”

“Yes Sir, but he shot a dog.”

“He introduced a bill last year to cut taxes for anyone who owns a Rolls Royce.  He has perfect hair.  He’s been a long standing supporter of our platform to reduce teacher’s pay.  Why he even… did you say he shot a dog?”

“An Irish Setter, yes Sir.”

“Are you, are you telling me that Thomas Burns, Senior Senator from Arizona used a gun to shoot a dog?”

“A forty-five Magnum, Sir.”

“So, a big gun.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Well, well I suppose that’s not out of keeping with his policy on capital punishment.”

“I’m sorry, Sir?”

“I assume this dog did something to provoke this measure?  I would guess that perhaps it was old or sick, but that would be oppositional to his stance against euthanasia.  So, what did it do?”

“The Irish Setter, Sir?”

“Yes, yes, did it kill his cat or dig up his yard?”

“No, Sir.”

“Did it chase the mailman or eat the Christmas turkey?  Did it take a dump on his newspaper?  What?”

“No, Sir.  Petals belonged to his uncle and was tied up at the time.”

“Petals is the dog’s name?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“The Irish Setter?”

“Yes.”

“Where did this take place?”

“It was just outside the main pavilion-”

“Oh god, don’t tell me.”

“At his cousin’s wedding last June.”

“Let me see if I’ve got this right.  Senator Burns, our man on the Marriage Permanence Act and mandatory federal prayer, used a forty-five Magnum to shoot a previously unknown Irish Setter named Petals at his cousin’s wedding, with little or no provocation.”

“Blam.”

“Don’t get cute Mary, this is serious.”

“Sorry, Sir.  Yes, that is what happened.”

“How bad is this going to get?”

“Pretty bad, Sir.  The pictures don’t cast the incident in a positive light.”

“Pictures?”

“Here’s the file, Sir.”

“Hmm, yes well.  I suppose that is a fine looking animal.  And there’s… oh no.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“All over her dress!”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Why does he pick it up?”

“I can only speculate, Sir”

“He tosses it onto… Whose car is that?”

“It belongs to one of the groomsmen, Sir.”

“Mary, how is it possible that I have not heard about this before?”

“The senator issued the attached letter to the major press outlets, Sir.  He included Polaroids of some of the news directors’ children sleeping and detailed descriptions of what will happen to them if the story breaks.”

“There’s a good deal more cursing in this than I would have expected from Tom.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Okay, let’s move him to the maybe pile.  Who’s next?”